Men hate having their sexual ability criticised. This is a real pleasure killer in bed.
Women who get really critical when a man does something wrong or something she doesn’t like, especially on her way to orgasm, tend to find out about his displeasure quite quickly.
Women fins this very hard to understand, and not respond with anger. But the man thinks he is giving her everything, being a competent male pleasuring her, and she’s rejecting his sexual skills!
The way to maintain harmony is to communicate appropriately: “That’s great, but I love it when you do such-and-such-a-thing like that…..and I want you to do more of it….” rather than “For God’s sake, why can’t you just do it like I told you!”
Women, keep in mind that a man may genuinely think that when you start moaning, you want him to move his fingers or tongue faster and harder. He concludes that more of that he is doing will give you a lot more pleasure in bed. He needs to know if this is wrong. You need to tell him how it works differently for you.
Men want their partners to reach orgasm.
There is a lot of male self-esteem tied up in the female orgasm! It can take a lot of gentle reassurance and persuasion before a man relinquishes the notion that he’s responsible for your sexual pleasure . Actually, of course, some women also need to relinquish the idea that their man’s responsible for their sexual pleasure! Some women could start taking responsibility for producing their own orgasms. However, a man often needs a woman’s help to get the technique right, since she is the expert on her own body!
Men want to be good lovers.
In my experience, most men actually want to be good lovers. This means – among many other things – having stamina in bed, meeting a woman’s needs, sexual and otherwise, and being accepted unconditionally by their partner. Of course there are many basic differences between men and women, which are due to our different archetypal personality components, about which you can read more here. But in the end I think we are all more similar than we are different, and a little understanding can go a long way to healing differences of approach and attitude to life, both sexually and non-sexually.
Men like pornography.
Pronography can, believe it or not, give a man a lot of pleasure in or out of the bedroom.
It’s a sad fact, but it’s true, and what’s more, porn isn’t going to go away. The surprising thing, however, is that women can be turned on by porn if they allow themselves to be!
There are several companies which produce porn that is designed with women in mind. By this I mean porn that does not depict the abuse and degradation of women, but treats them as equals in the act of sex. After all, men and women do have equally string if slightly differently focused, Lover archetypes…. the part of the psyche which is all about connection and love.
Men have many hidden sexual secrets.
You’d have to get inside the mind of a man to understand why he may be keeping some sexual things from you, and unfortunately that isn’t possible, so let me try and explain. Basically, it’s about shame.
Men are brought up in a world where they’re surrounded by sexual imagery and encouraged to assume that they have to “perform” to be a man. If you want to help your man overcome any sexual difficulties he has in bed, try this book. It’s helpful for men who have difficulty reaching orgasm. And this book is good for men who have problems getting an erection, in other words, men who have erectile dysfunction, which you might well see as incompatible with sexual pleasure.
But when they reach puberty, they’re often shamed and ridiculed for their developing sexuality: who, for example, doesn’t smile – either inwardly or outwardly – at an adolescent who develops an erection in a sexually inappropriate place? Is that respectful? Is it an attitude which is likely to encourage the development of healthy teenage sexuality and later give a man the power to get great, shameless pleasure in bed with a partner? (No, it is not.)
As a result, masturbation becomes secretive and furtive. Sex becomes the subject of hasty fumblings with willing girls (who probably know less than the boy) in dark places. And it should be something to be celebrated and appreciated.
And no-one is around to teach men how to control their penises or operate their penises properly with dignity and self-respect. This means they become prone to misusing their penis in their attempts to find out how it works.
So, for example, they may pay for sex: and, in fact, about four men in ten have indeed paid for sex at some point in their lives.
Some men are even introduced to paid-for sex by an older man in their life. The great majority of men will certainly have used porn, and they may have been promiscuous as well – and they may not be willing to share any of this with you.
If you want to know about his sexual history and start digging down, you need to be prepared for defensiveness, trouble and arguments.
Ask yourself, do you really need to know his sexual history? He’s only going to tell you his shameful secrets if he really trusts you not to shame or judge him, though the irony is that he’d probably heal emotionally through sharing this information with you.
Men are fantasizing all the time. This is very pleasurable.
Whatever they are doing, men are fantasizing about something – but for all I know, so are women! It’s probably a fair bet, though, that men are doing it more than women.
We know from studies by psychologists that both men and women check out the obvious places – faces, genitals, bottoms, chests – when they first meet members of the opposite sex, but men often use this as the basis to develop further fantasy.
And it’s probably very rare indeed for a man not have enjoyed a fantasy of being with another woman when he’s made love at some point in his life. We don’t, however, have any data on just how common that is….but we can guess.
Men are often very shamed or embarrassed about their fantasies, and may be reluctant to reveal them for fear of being ridiculed.
They can be very complex or unusual, and it may not be possible to bring them into your sex life for real…but if you can, why not indulge him, and get some props to act out his fantasy? Such sex play works both ways, especially if you have a fantasy you’d like to explore with him.
Men are not constantly looking for sex.
Though this may surprise you, men are not always “up for it” and ready to have sex at a moment’s notice.
Just like women, they sometimes don’t feel in the mood, or they’re too tired, or they just don’t fancy it.
In such a situation, if you want sex, you can perhaps pleasure yourself and then ask him for a cuddle rather than trying to persuade him to have intercourse.
(I guess how you feel about that idea may depend on his attitude when he wants sex and you aren’t in the mood!)
You may also want to encourage him to be honest about how he feels when you ask him for sex, since the pressures on men to be “ever-ready” in today’s society are such that they may feel compelled to indulge a woman who asks for sex rather than just saying “not tonight, dear”.
Men masturbate – even when they’re in a relationship.
But don’t worry, it’s not a reflection on your attractiveness. Almost all men masturbate, even if they’re in a relationship. And it’s something that seems to puzzle women: why, they ask, would he want to do that when he’s got me?
The answer seems to be that there’s a part of the male mind which sees masturbation as a private opportunity to either act out fantasies in imagination, or simply to have a quick orgasm without having to worry about anyone else. “Hand relief”, as the sex workers would call it, is probably a good description – relief from the sexual urge, rather like the scratching of an itch. And it can give a man great pleasure. It’s quick and convenient way of getting sexual pleasure almost anywhere.
But I don’t want to devalue masturbation, because it can also be a profoundly satisfying experience, and if prolonged, can lead to intense orgasms just as pleasurable as those achieved with a sexual partner.
And since Tantric massage with a happy ending can be an extremely satisfying, even spiritual experience, this style of sexual pleasuring really should be honored.
Men vary in their attitudes to masturbation. Some prefer it to every other kind of sexual activity. (I think this suggests some difficulty in forming relationships, or some deep issue with women which prevents a man seeking sexual expression in a relationship.)
Most men would be embarrassed or resentful if they were found to be masturbating by their partner – sometimes male pleasure is quick, simple and easy. But even though almost all men masturbate, it’s far, far better to have a partner with whom to enjoy intercourse. For that, of course, is the ultimate way in which a woman can please a man, in or out of bed.